The Porcupine's Quill

Scene II:
I Spent This Day Toiling Over a Number of Scotswomen

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BUSINESSMAN: They were large Scotswomen, of considerable vigour, each of whom had first to pass the scrutiny of my secretary, Ms. Smith.

Ms. Smith is not herself a Scot and did not take warmly to them.

I told Ms. Smith that if any more Scotswomen came through our door she was not to offer them strong drink or allow them to smoke in the hallway, and that furthermore I would prefer the next day’s haul, from whatever country, be dressed less provocatively, no more stiletto heels, and see to it that their wee weans remained at home.

Even so, I toiled relentlessly over this number of Scotswomen and made great headway in determining the native temperament and gauging the Scotswoman’s time-tested endowments.

Ms. Smith and I stole away for a two hour lunch at McNabs, with appropriate liquids.

Back at the Institution, as planned, Ms. Smith appeared each fifteen minutes with news that I was wanted on the telephone, a manoeuver which considerably rankled these Scotswomen, and led to intemperate outbursts, to wit:

SCOTSWOMEN: “Aye, n what’s she havering oon aboot!”

“Shut yer geggie!”

“Ye mither is ma yeukie coo!”

BUSINESSMAN: Some findings: Glaswegian women are hardest to satisfy.

GLASWEGIAN WOMAN: “Nay, donae gae yet ye rummle willie!”

SPEYSIDE WENCH: The Speyside wench crosses her eyes during the act and has an abundance of frizzie hair betwixt and between.

“Here’s pook in ye eye, ye daft neep!”

ISLAY WENCH: The Islay wench has particular needs.

“Yikes, n would ye pit the stritch tae mae toes n tie the bonnet tae mae chin!”

BUSINESSMAN: Ms. Smith will have my full report on the Lord Provost’s desk come the A.M. Tomorrow the Orkney and Shetland busloads arrive, after that the Dumfriesshire and Border trains.

MS. SMITH: “Are ye a wee bit puggled?” asks Ms. Smith, and in reply I give her a guid churn. Now we are off to have a bite and see the shows.

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